As Time Goes By

Yes, time has gone by since last I posted to this little blog. Life has gone on, both good and “bad” things have happened. Friends of mine have been dropping one after another, some deaths expected, some out of the blue, shattering my heart and mind like asteroids whacking the planet and sending it far out of its orbit. Death, death, and more death, but my own, at times much desired, comes not.

How I miss my close friend, my sister in spirit, Mindy. Younger than I and struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) Mindy was found one clear morning in April by her neighbor, wrapped tightly in her blanket clutching her stuffed bear, Mooshie, in her arms and pressed tightly to her body, dead. Yes, dead! At the age of only 57 she was gone.

No more manic late-night chats out in the garden area smoking our American Spirit cigarettes, probably disturbing the neighbors, listening to the Maccabeats or the Klezmatics, or other klezmer band on YouTube, bouncing around like a couple of high school girls in out pajamas, shrieking with laughter and impersonating people we weten’t fond of; these little coffee klatches might go on for hours, especially once we’d relocated to her apartment. Those are the times that live on in my memory; there are nights on which I suddenly awake, hearing Mindy’s voice saying, “You can’t fix the whole world, Ellen. Some things you must simply let go”.

Oh, how I tried to fix Mindy, to help her overcome the demons that plagued most of her waking hours and drove her to screaming out in the middle of the night. “Help me! Let ne in the house! Someone’s hurting me – someone’s raping me! Help me, help me, oh God please help me!” No one could help Mindy; no one could successfully erase the terrible traumas inflicted upon her as a child, as a teenager, as a young married woman with a husband who brutalized her, tried to destroy her self-confidence, her self-esteem, and her joy. Later,  there were children, a son who abused his mother, telling her he wished she were dead, or that she was only “a piece of shit who shouldn’t be on the planet”, abd other such loving things. And a daughter who played push-pull, come here – go away games that tortured Mndy in her soul. How Mindy managed to hang on amidst all of this astounds me.

I will miss Mindy for the rest of my life; she was brilliant, educated, artistic, and childlike. She once said, “I’m like a child!”, and so she was. She posessed a child’s spirit, a child’s soul, the kind of creativity children have that leaves us when we become older. I hope I can retain that childlike spirit and soul for as long as I may live.

When it comes my time to go, I pray that Mindy is there to greet me and to walk me into our new playground which shall contain all of our toys from books to music to cigarettes to coloring books and colored pencils and markers and, most importantly, the stickers that she adored. May we rest there together eternally, just the two little girls whose time with one another was all too brief.



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